I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
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Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
They’re really bad with fonts.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.