Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Bedroom]

Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that

Her: Sure you do

Him: Time me *holds breath again*

You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.

I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.

[field sobriety test]

cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop

flamingo: oh hell yeah

Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps

A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’

Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here

Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.

Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.

my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.

“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”

Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?

Jokes on them. I took 10.

My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”

There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.

been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order

it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman

me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact

When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.

My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit

Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him

someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.

Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!

I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur