I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
You Might Also Like
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
The most shocking part of Luigi’s manifesto is when he says he’s not the most qualified person to lay out the problems with the healthcare system. I’ve never heard a man describe himself as unqualified for anything.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
You watch one pimple popping video, and suddenly the algorithm thinks you have a new hobby.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.
telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.