Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now

FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!

My comment: So was the Titanic.

Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order

klingon

*two claps*

klingoff

No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me

They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies

If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.

Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing

Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

I’ve verified my own account.

It’s utter crap ✔

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.

Ugh. My bed is infested with children.

This is always good for a laugh.

Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.

well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high

I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —

Murderer:

My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy

ME: someone stole my credit card number

BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?

ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them

me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me

stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:

Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.

If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.

I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.

I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.