I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
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Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
LOL
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Spring cleaning checklist…
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.