I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
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One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?