Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth

*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14

me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible

wife:

me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]

“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”

INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?

ME: ʸᵉˢ

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

[God creating cats]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

Just a reminder, folks:

absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans

MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead

ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

There’s only one good girl here!

Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.

My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.

Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”

My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.

Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days

I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.

Childbirth is so beautiful

[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]

Me: Wow, you used to be hot

Wife: *death glare*

Me: …but not as hot as you are now

Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.

*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one

I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”

If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.

If you wear enough cardigans people will assume you’re smart and you can stop reading entirely.

I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult

People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.

one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar