I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
You Might Also Like
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Self-cleaning conscience
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
No, you’re not getting it your honor
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.