I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
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You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
The first matador
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Natural selection at its finest
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.