Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.

I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.

Somedays I just love AI so much

A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.

Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?

Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times

Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this

Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it

massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it

Meeeee too!

I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.

Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?

Friend:

Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.

You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few

[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?

“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.

Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.

Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.

Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.

[first date]

OK don’t let her know you’re a snail

Waiter: Would you like some salt?

[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]

Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people

I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.

Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00

Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??

So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.

Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes

Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call