Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.

People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.

Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”

Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?

The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall

When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.

Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so

“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.

[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire

[Flirting in a bar]

ME: Did it hurt…

HER: …

ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?

PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again

I meant to write, “on god” but wrote, “on guard” by accident and now I gotta duel with the homies at dawn.

If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”

I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.

tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more

Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.

If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit

too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.

How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?

TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid

Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom

I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.

Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.

My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.

Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.

Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can

You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.

[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]