Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?

me: i’m doing my best

doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?

me: best doesn’t mean good

Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!

Me: yeah? let me see.

Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.

Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone

‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

Reporter: *ports again*

Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now

Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?

I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she

That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.

I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries

Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?

Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!

I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.

Compromise.

Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??

me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower

[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely

Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it

Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer

Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.

Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*

Four-year-old: Look, a rock!

FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.

ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky

Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.