I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
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Candles never taste the way they smell
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
welcome back
Me checking my bank balance online.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.