I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
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WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Yup.
This is my brand.