Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist

when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters

To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.

Stop feeding it!

#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning

Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.

If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏

Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.

Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that

My body: are you serious? have you seen us?

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.

As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe

ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.

How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine

Alligators can live for up to 100 years.

So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”

I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.

A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying

Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.

I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once

It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently

Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.

[deciding when to tweet]

Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.

Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?

the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts

White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.

When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

Me: *laughing in the face of danger*

Danger: *kills me*

Limited budget

Me: I lost twelve followers today.

Wife: On Twitter?

Me: In the woods.

Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!

Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.