Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.

I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher

*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*

Meme: I have a boyfriend.

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.

Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…

Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.

[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”

So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕

It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.

My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”

there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.

me: how much for the boquet of dogs

girl walking dogs: huh

me: *slipping her $5* how about now

Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma

CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.

I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.

I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!

-Don’t you mean pig?

No. He tried to eat my couch!

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

Me: Where’s the remote?

Toddler: I didn’t eat it!

They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.

Well played, old man. Well played.

My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone

Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’