I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Love is in the air fryer.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
