I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
Not all heroes wear capes…
