I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
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Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
sry
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
The cashier just checked me out.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.