I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
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Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Cucumbers Anonymous
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.