I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
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The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
sometimes i miss this memes
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
When your parents check you’re ok.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers