I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
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every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
honestly, i need both:
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday