I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
You Might Also Like
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Better luck next time champ
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert