I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
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Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
