I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious
You Might Also Like
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
No, he would not have.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
This kid will have a bright future.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people