Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.

Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!

notice

me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order

I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.

“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle

me: *putting down the ketchup* ok

[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…

I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

Me: please wait a little longer

Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!

She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.

riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”

lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL

others: LOL

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

[office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.

I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken

Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.

Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.

[interview]

So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?

Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world

Smokey the bear: o hell no

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?

Waiter: would you like a lobster bib

Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously

Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy

Judge: what’s upsexy?

[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance

Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter

[DOG COP TV DRAMA]

DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!

SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.

Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?

Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick

Cop: *on radio* get the feds

The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it

I texted my ex,

I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.

*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*