I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
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Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
My therapist after every session
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet