I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
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BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
How does someone manage that 🤨
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.