Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.

Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—

Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets

*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*

*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*

What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?

Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?

I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.

Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.

6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!

Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.

6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)

My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬

Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*

I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.

My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.

Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.

The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10

America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?

Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.

They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.

Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic

The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.

I’d hire this kid in 10 years.

Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates

sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.

a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers

Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.

I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.