I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
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Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole