I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
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[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
be careful
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?