I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
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Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
absolutely not
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
🤣🤣🤣
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.