Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…

Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.

Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…

Thank you for your time.

My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc

If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.

true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”

Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.

The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.

I have half a mind to…

Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”

Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.

Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents

Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.

Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today

Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)

Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.

*First day as a forest ranger*

Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here

Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby

Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money

When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.

my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*

Otters drive ottermobiles.

[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”

I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.

[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

[Arranging a date]

Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?

Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.