Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

… Eau DeTroit …

#RejectedPerfumeNames

The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.

Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album

People I hate when I’m driving:

1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.

#Caturday

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once

It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently

Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.

Need WebMD

i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.

doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news

me: what’s the ambiguous news?

doctor: one of us is dying

I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.

Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol

*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*

I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

he was correct

I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.

I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise

My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.

HELP 😭

POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case

ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn

CHIEF: …

ME: looks cool doesn’t-

CHIEF: totally looks cool

They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!

I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord

The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.