Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish

[on my way back to the posting caves]

ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break

Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

pizza

Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.

In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.

If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.

anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.

Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello

Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones

Me: tushy tushy!

Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.

My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt

Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”

You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.

Reasons to not go camping No.154:

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…

Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading

it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period

All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.

Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”

[being eaten alive by cannibals]

cannibal: is he… joining in?

Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.

You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”

[On the couch watching TV]

Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?