I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
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Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
diva inflation rises at an alarming rate
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”