I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
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I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
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Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?