Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.

My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.

We’re prime-mates.

Waiter: And how did you find the wine?

Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table

Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”

I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.

CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons

Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.

If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*

Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.

You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.

Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?

Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing

me: i’m proposing to my gf

sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man

me: i need a ring lol

sonic: *nervous* haha

me: *pulling out a baseball bat*

(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.

[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases

If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.

If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted

I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.

Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally

Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew

What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.

[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics

Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

“I do not negotiate with little kids”

My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted