I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
You Might Also Like
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Breaking news:
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Remember to drink the alcohol with the closest Best Before date first today.
*writes “Tomorrow” on the vodka
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
