I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
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Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
🙂🐾
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Hey! This isn’t my car!
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito