I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
You Might Also Like
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
that colleague who touches your screen
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair