I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
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I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.