I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
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*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski