I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
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I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
In Canada they just call them geese
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
