I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
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Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.