@Social_Mime

I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.

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@drayzze

16: “What was the internet like in the old days?”

Me:
*opens door*
*pushes 16 outside*
*locks door*

@ruinedpicnic

[checks window]
[locks door]
[starts to tweet]
shrek was a d- [FBI agents burst into the room and leap on me] shrEK WAS A DOC UMENTArY

@XplodingUnicorn

2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.

@UncleBob56

Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.

@MazMEDEA

Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.

@10InchesPlus

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

@lazerdoov

Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*

@leakypod

Cashier: would you like a receipt?

Me, suddenly realizing I have nothing in my pockets to throw away when I get home: yes