16: “What was the internet like in the old days?”
*pushes 16 outside*
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
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[starts to tweet]
shrek was a d- [FBI agents burst into the room and leap on me] shrEK WAS A DOC UMENTArY
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Cashier: would you like a receipt?
Me, suddenly realizing I have nothing in my pockets to throw away when I get home: yes