I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
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I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.