I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
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Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.