I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
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accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Tell me you get it…🤣
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
If I lived in a town where dancing was illegal, I’d take up arson as a hobby. “Footloose” would have been 7 minutes long.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
I drew y’all a little something.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline