Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.

why am I working on Labor Day

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.

I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.

Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire

so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning

*lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.

4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.

When I face a minor setback

me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this

waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.

After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.

I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell

Perfection.

ㅤ

We avoided this particular disaster

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”

Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”

guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-

guard 2: AAAAAAHHH

guard 1: always screams

me: doesn’t that get annoying?

guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome

72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response

Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.

Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”

GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win

ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there

KIDNAPPER: shut up

ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?

KIDNAPPER: no, quiet

ME: you should have gagged me

KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out

ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.

UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*