Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan

Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?

Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then

I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters

I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.

Me: I’m totally getting used to this

Husband: getting used to what?

Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff

Husband: again getting used to what?

[Silence]

Me: I hate you

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.

Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.

fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work

wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair

Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.

When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.

Here’s the picture I used for the ad.

Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute

I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!

pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob

[driving]

ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.

Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?

honey, i think the milk’s gone bad

“i only bought it yesterday”

yeah well, look at this..

*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*

Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.

When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in

“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.

Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.

Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send

M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee

Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.

Me: These are my legs.

I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).

I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.

I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:

– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from

Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.