I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
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Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
just got off an incredibly depressing and frustrating phone call with my evil health insurance company who actively wants me to die, time to take a big sip of coffee and check the news