I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
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I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb