Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.

My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much

Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.

Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.

Me: What?

BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting

I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.

Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”

A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺

HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?

On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?

Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.

Him: no thanks

You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.

On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now

Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?

Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.

Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you

me:

[first day selling houses]

me: shits about to get realty

I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect

Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha

God *creates asteroids*

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.