Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.

me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go

I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.

I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.

Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta

for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie

My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.

Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control

Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together

ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today

ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE

ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?

My 6yo said he loves me more than chores, so I’ve got that going for me

It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.

So I got her a bag of peas.

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.

Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.

Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.

[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby