Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?

8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?

me:

I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

I just checked Web MD and I have everything

If only.

If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.

who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days

philosophical skeletons be like

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.

Just didn’t want it to be a cop.

“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”

I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.

I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊

Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit

The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

Home is where the Wi-Fi is.

Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.

Stranger: No.

“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson

My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash

Had to try this trend 😊

My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.

Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR

Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME

I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.

Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more