Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.

When you forget you’re at the restaurant.

Breaking news:

Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.

[Calling a guy for the 1st time]

Him: Hello

Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*

*panics, hangs up*

me: i’m so excited for fall!

also me: where the hell did the sun go?

Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder

My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.

I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.

Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.

Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME

I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.

How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.

Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*

Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.

How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.

Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!

~ me, pleading with my hair

Jesus: Time for a miracle!

Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch

Jesus:

Puritan:

Jesus: who likes fish

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

Me: I want Botox.

Husband: What for? Your forehead?

Me:

H:

Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

Me: ahahah say it again

The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers

Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot

The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:

Me: HAMBORGER LMAO

ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.

ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.

I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.

“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE

Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.