I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
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If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”
Student: Would you use it in a sentence?
Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
What’s your superpower?
Spiderman: ummm, parkour.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO