I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
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Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
When you accidentally speak your mind in the company meeting
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
a fate I wish upon no one
The devil.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no