Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.

My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!

Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.

Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.

I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.

If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.

i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”

i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”

he ain’t laugh

*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is

Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?

Me: I thought it was a carnival

My in-laws are visiting…

This is their homicide note.

Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”

*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*

When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas

Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.

the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago

In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”

“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”

The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.

If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?

iron man: it’s not gonna work

me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel

thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me

Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie

I have a video appointment with my doctor.

I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.

Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday

My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.

Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?