I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
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No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.