I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
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I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Rooting for the overdog
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.