I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
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I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face
Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat