Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’

– idiots

Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer

You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.

My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.

I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends

Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away

something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination

My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.

If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.

Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No

it is time once again

Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.

Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*

Lord: oh manservant

Me: yes, my lord?

Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?

Me: yes, my lord

Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂

If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.

In Canada they just call them geese

My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.

Guilty! 🤪

If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.

I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.

Me: We’re ordering pizza.

8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!

Me: We order pizza every week.

8: I have lots of best days.

Email: You are invited to a virtual—

Me: Nope.

me: what’s the weather today

weatherman: party sunny

me: and tomorrow?

weatherman: partly cloudy

me: what’s the difference

weatherman:

me:

weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much

[a red dot appears on my forehead]

BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….

[in a steel doomsday bunker]

FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.

ME: No!

[something strikes the side of our bunker]

Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.

Me: You first, pal.

i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house

Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.