I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
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How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
There’s never enough good news
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula