I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
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If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
kinda fun if literal: earwigs
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.