Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy

“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-Morse code.

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]

ME: Excuse me, what year is it?

MAN: It’s 830.

ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.

Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense

A woof in sheep’s clothing.

Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂

Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”

me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog

midwife: no, you won’t

[La Brea Tarpits]

ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times

SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway

tinder profile where the fish is holding me

Not today, today.
Not today.

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.

Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?

“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED

Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?

Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.

It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.

My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.

Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”

So close, kid. So. Close.

The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.

I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.

Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”

I think about that a lot

According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.

Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.

Her: oh my god i’m so wet

Me: have you tried putting it in rice?

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.