I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
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Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
bartender: what are you having mate
guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Hmm 🧐
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?