Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.

To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.

Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*

Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.

My job sucks but it pays the bills.

Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.

The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.

He got away Scott free.

Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.

i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication

Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy

Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.

Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”

A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.

I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.

72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.

Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.

this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad

*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases

My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.

How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?

My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals

I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

[liquor store]

Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.

Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*

Him: Oh, it’s you.

[spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is McConaughey

McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?

Judge: We have no idea

This rocks