Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?

-Summer

torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift

Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..

podcasts

How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”

Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”

[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking

The rest of the world should fear our military.

We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.

[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now

found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

Her: You have very beautiful hair.

Me: Oh, you flirt!

*Hands me her card*

Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.

“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.

Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that

Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop

I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.

Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao

Me: what stopped you

I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.