I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
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Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
“Awkward silences are the worst”
*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.