I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
You Might Also Like
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
🙂🙃🥹
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends