I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
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I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
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[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Feels like the fourth month in January
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow