Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom

ME: uh yes, actually, I have

BULLY: Damn

ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone

Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream

Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed

Doc I keep throwing up

Did u eat anything odd lately

No

What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”

You said eat, idiot

If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.

Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me

Judge: way past that

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*

I hate all this sex on the TV

I keep falling off.

New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need

Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this

*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*

me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”

All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun

[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.

When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.

Don’t get angry…

…get pizza.

Haters gonna hate.

Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…

Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….

…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless

And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet

If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.

I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.

every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”

One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.

I miss third grade.

I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends