Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.

Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.

Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.

The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something

“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”

The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault

touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg

It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.

Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online

Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.

1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!

Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.

[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seek

me: nice to meet you

voice from behind the photocopier: you too

We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.

Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…

My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”

!!!!!!!!!!!

*6 opens piggy bank*

Me: wtf where’d you get all that?

6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know

Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”

5 “Trying to pull it out.”

Me “That’s going to hurt.”

5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”