I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
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I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.