I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
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Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.