I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
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“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
bros in the example zone 😭
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.